Hello? Is Anybody Out There?

*TRIGGER WARNING – SUICIDE*

I’m desperately unhappy.
When I was suicidal a few months ago the Crisis/Home Treatment Team (HTT) and Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) talked about how I’d fuck my daughter up if I killed myself, mentioned new therapies to try. I felt guilt tripped out of killing myself and was given a shred of hope. But where are these therapies? Where is the support? It was all bullshit. So now I’m left here like this, with no quality of life, when this all could have been over months ago.

I last met with anyone in a professional capacity (aka Paid To Help Me) in August. My next scheduled appointment with the CMHT is the 22nd October. I missed two recent appointments, at the beginning of September. One because I forgot (I’m increasingly frustrated with a brain that doesn’t work) and another rescheduled a few days later because I was ill (physically). So, I feel like they’re punishing me. I’ve been bumped down the list because I’m not committed enough. MrTPM has called them (I can’t use the phone, another frustration) to ask to see someone before the October date. They said they’ll get back to him.
We’re still waiting, five days later. I don’t know what to say to them now. I’m honest whenever I see them, I tell them I still think of suicide, that I’m not happy. I don’t know what else I can say to get more help.

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Doing one step at a time was fine. At my last appointment (about 20 years ago…) I was told to try planning meals and answering the phone. I’m ok for a couple of days. But I can’t manage those things AND the day to day stuff that I HAVE to do. I have to look after my daughter, keep her clean, feed her, dress her, take her to preschool, engage with her. And each one of those things is a real challenge for me. I analyse each step, each thing I have to do. And while I’m sitting there, trying to play with her, I’m thinking about how unhappy I am. I have no patience, I’m snappy, then I’m upset that I’m treating her like shit. She needs to not be near me with how I am at the moment. And that’s my everyday. I can’t achieve the small steps because I cannot focus on them.
I just need some fucking quiet. How can I get better if I can’t focus on it? And with no health care professional around to guide me?

As far as the ‘working diagnosis’ of bipolar disorder and the Lithium therapy goes, I have no idea. I’m on a trial, which indicated to me that it’d be monitored, both physiologically and psychologically. I’ve not had a blood test in weeks. I’ve had one blood test since I started taking it in June and none since the increase to 600mg. Whether it’s helping my mental state, I don’t know. I think I’m better than I was, overall, but with episodes like the one a few days ago (triggered by the letter from the CMHT), I’m not sure how effective it is. Have I got bipolar? Have I not? If I haven’t, what have I got? I’m very lost, and left to figure this stuff out on my own.

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I feel unsupported. And with that I then become disheartened. I’m struggling to not give up as it is. Is this a government thing? Lack of funding? Is this a communication issue? Are staff over stretched? Should I be thankful that I’m not ill enough to be a priority? Does a person have to be literally hanging on a rope to get a helping hand? At times, I’m concerned I’ll find out.

(Apologies if this post makes no sense, much of it is excerpts from text messages to the Samaritans.)

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Posted on September 24, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. You’re not alone. I have depression and anxiety. I have asked if not the exact same questions you do in this blog, eerily similar ones. Do you think peer support would help you?

    • My anxiety stops me reaching out like that. I’m a lot better at typing than I am talking!
      Sorry to read you’ve also suffered.

      • I totally get it. Its very difficult to reach out. When I’m in my worst moments, I feel so desperately that I want help, but I resist asking my family or friends for it. I end up crying and posting something both stupid and awful on Facebook.

      • I think that reaching out to anyone is better than nothing, even if it is via facebook. I’m not sure what people did before social media. It’s been a lifeline for me.

  2. Oh FFS…This is pretty much exactly my experience too. There’s nothing I can do or say and that’s so frustrating because I really hear you. Keep going, that’s all you can do. And you CAN. It will get better, it has to x

  3. I have no experience from your side of things, but I am the daughter of someone who has suffered from depression issues her whole life so if you ever want to ask about how that side of things feels, just give me a shout.

    Unfortunately, judging by the lack of … well anything … that I have achieved trying to get help for my mum, I suspect your only real option to get taken seriously is to get sectioned. Not exactly ideal, eh?

    • No, not really. I’m pretty sure it’d have to be *very* bad for that to happen, and I’m not sure I’d cope with that either.

      Your childhood must have been so difficult. Can I ask if you have a good relationship with your mum now?

      • I know, it’s Hobson’s choice when it comes to getting support for mental health, you’re either “too well” or “too ill”, there’s just nothing in the middle.

        It was confusing because I knew something was wrong but it was never spoken about or acknowledged. My big sadness is that my parents didn’t feel they could be honest about mum’s struggle. We have a good relationship to a degree, yes. There is a wariness there because I don’t trust mum to be honest about how she feels, but I think that is indicative of the generation.

      • I think you’re right, the stigma was so much greater back then.

        I’m hoping to be as honest as I can with Moo, at the moment I tell her I’m feeling ill. It’s difficult to say too much at 3. I’ve also got the Jen Failkner book ‘A Monster Ate My Mum’.

        Honesty is always the best policy.

  4. I’ve struggled with depression on and off for most of my adult life although have not been quite as low as you sound right now. I can’t offer much advice for your day-to-day struggle, but I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and really hope that you get an appointment sooner and some of the support that you so desperately need. Hang on in there – your little girl needs you and I am sure that things will get better. Sending virtual hugs your way xx

  5. Hi Pumping Mama, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It sounds like you aren’t getting the support you should be getting. You should most certainly have had further blood tests. When you next have a meeting with the CMHT I’d ask some questions such as: What team am I in? Who is responsible for my care overall? Is there a treatment or care plan and if so what is it? What is my dx? I think at least knowing these things would give you some idea, but I know asking those questions is hard. It sounds to me as if they are overstretched, but that’s not an excuse for them to not answer these questions or respond to you in a reasonable period of time. Do you have a good relationship with your GP? Some very good GPs will chase things up with the CMHT and copy you into the correspondence, meaning you don’t have to use the phone.

    I hope you get the help you need, you certainly shouldn’t have to be dragging yourself through life like this. If all else fails, presenting at A&E may gain you access to Home Treatment team again if you’d find that helpful.

    I hope things improve for you soon.

  6. Hi Pumping Mama,

    First let me introduce myself. My name is Tammy and I read a good number of you posts. My heart aches for you my dear.

    I’ve been exclusively pumping for my daughter since she’s 2 weeks old. She’s now 11 months. I struggle with anxiety and mild depression. I wanted to share how I’m dealing with these issues.

    I believe we are made to experience love, not anger, not anxiety and not fear. But there is evil in the world. Therefore we are being placed in situations (by God) to positively influence people or to learn a lesson God is trying to teach us. Instead of trying to get out because it’s hard, we can try to see His will. The world nowadays is a hard place to live in and I believe God’s heart is hurting and we need to do everything we can to play a good part and help shift things around. Satan messes with our mind…but our heart is pure. So I always have to shift focus from my mind to my heart to have a clear picture of things.

    How I deal with stress…I have faith that where I am today is exactly where God wanted me to be, I know as long as I’m seek God in everything I do, I couldn’t be too far from the right path. I stress over the brokenness and suffering in the world and whether if I’m providing the right nutrition and guidance for my family, I found the following to be helpful:

    “If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

    “As with a glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.”

    I know God is letting me experience all this to prepare me for the future. I know every time I face Satan, it’s an opportunity for me to seek God.

    Lastly,

    Anything that annoys you is for teaching you patience.
    Anything that angers you is for teaching you forgiveness and compassion.
    Anything you hate is for teaching you unconditional love.
    Anything you fear is for teaching you courage to overcome your fear,
    Anything you can’t control is for teaching you to let go and trust God.

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