I’ve had enough of being mental. I. HAVE. HAD. E. FUCKING. NOUGH. Someone, get me out of here, for fuck sake. I’m laid here, thinking about the 60 years of life that I might have left, literally panicking. I don’t want to live that long like this. I don’t want to have to fight every day, just to stay calm, to get out of bed, to quiet my mind. Kudos to those with bipolar disorder that have the courage to live with the constant threat of relapse, but I can’t.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this intensely ill, for this long. Something really isn’t right. I need help. I’ve needed help for a long time. Someone needs to make me better pretty sharpish, because I’ve had enough of this crazy ass bull shit. Is there some sort of medication that fixes this? Or do I just need some alcohol and heroin?

It’s so exhausting; over thinking every single thing, my mind never quiet, consciously hearing every thought in my head. The emotion I feel most is anger. Absolute burning rage. I want everyone to fuck off out of my life, leave me on my own to just lay still. And if that’s not a viable option, then I want to be dead, to not exist. And then sadness, intense sadness. I’m so sad that my life has become this. And then the guilt. It’s so heavy. Knowing that I’m wasting a life and am such a burden on others. I’ll be told that I’m not, but my husband is miserable, and it’s only a matter of time before it’s obvious that I’m fucking up Moo.

I’ve been planning a suicide, but all options are scuppered, either by my own anxiety not allowing me to leave the house, or lack of means for gaining enough prescription medication to do the job. I’ve felt quite calm about it. I know others won’t see it, perhaps for a few years, but it is the logical thing to do. I can’t live like this any more, the thought of one more day like this makes my anxiety soar. It’s inhumane. If I were an animal, I’d have been euthanised a long time ago.

How do I convey these thoughts to my community psychiatric nurse or psychiatrist? How do I make them see that I’m not making progress, I’m not coming out the other side of a ‘down’ patch, that I’m actually fucking mentally unstable? Or am I not? Am I just over analysing? Really I just need to get the fuck over myself? And it begins again. Fleeting thought, intruding, mulled over, scrutinised, creating anxiety and then, before it’s processed, another surfaces. Endless.


Posted on July 14, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. Oh Hun – this is so fucking awful for you. I’m really not sure what to write but you have to hang on – please don’t let hope go completely. I wasn’t blogging when I was at my worst but I hear every word you are saying and I had the same thoughts, honestly I promise you I did x And it’s not you darling, that’s where the sadness comes from, no one wants to live like that. Show them this post to make them understand that it’s not working. I know giving it time seems impossible and that every minute that passes you feel more desperate but drugs do take time to work x I so wish I could do something more x Huge hug x

  2. I don’t think I have any real words of comfort, except that my mother has bi-polar disorder and I have seen her live now for 17 years without a relapse. When she is in relapse it is a scary time for everyone, herself included, but through medication and knowing some of her triggers she has done it.
    I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I just wanted to say hang on. Hang on for Moo and for your husband. As the daughter of someone with this condition it breaks my heart to think of my own mother feeling like you are now. Just hang on.
    Could you show your psychiatrist this post? It is pretty clear in terms of how you are feeling.

  3. Life is a roller coaster, there are ups and downs. And you have to see those downs to appreciate the ups. Right now you are in that down period and it may seem like it’s going to last forever, but it won’t. Push through this hard part and don’t look at it as being the rest of your life that you will be like this. Hope it gets better. And check out my blog: http://sophiebrexx.wordpress.com/

  4. Oh TPM this sounds so unbelievably horrible for you. I can’t imagine what it feels like, but it sounds so, so, bleak. Stay safe, you hear me? Please try not to stockpile meds, and don’t leave the house on your own if you are at all concerned for your safety. I understand you need an escape plan, and maybe knowing you have one might if anything give you some comfort, but try and keep it as just that. Just a plan. I’m thinking of you and sending you lots of love and, yes, even prayers. xxx

  5. Amy 2boys1mum

    I don’t know what to say except that I’m thinking of you and sending strength xxx

  6. My dear Pumping Mama, forgive me for trying to be “Mrs. Fixit” from so far away and for knowing nothing about your background since I’m a new follower of yours.

    I’ve been in your exact shoes numerous times. The first time I told my husband I felt acutely suicidal, I asked him to drive me to the loony bin. Now, that place was a hellhole and honestly the LAST place I wanted to go, but it saved me for it kept me from killing myself.

    I asked for the last resort of ECT. My Dad had ECT thirty years previously to this event; while it didn’t help him, it didn’t mess him up either. So I thought, “What the fuck? I don’t care anymore!” The ECT, to my surprise, worked to stop the suicidal feelings and kept me alive until I could find medications that actually worked for me.

    This are just ideas – hospital and/or ECT. I beg you to consider them as horrible as they sound. I asked to be hospitalized other times when I was suicidal, because I couldn’t go on. I stockpiled meds but at the end of the day, I was too scared to kill myself and I didn’t want to leave my two little girls either.

    I am SO fucking glad I made it, and I want the same for you! I don’t want you to just “make it” but to feel a whole lot better. Feel free to email me or if you have questions anytime dyane@baymoon.com

    you’re in my thoughts – you deserve to feel human rather than the inhuman hell you are currently going through.

  7. Oh my love, I’m genuinely so sorry to hear you are feeling so horrendously low 😦

    I honestly don’t know what to advise. My only thoughts are, if you honestly do feel that this is what you want, please make sure your Moo is safe with a loved one and get to A&E ASAP.

    You’re right! Nobody should feel how you do now. I think, deep down, even though you think this is what you need that you don’t want it. Not just yet anyway.

    I will DM you my mobile number in case there is absolutely anything you need that I can do.

    Stay strong beautiful lady, not every day will be so dark and painful xxx

  8. It’s a way of feeling that is beyond horrific and I wish I had something that would take it all away. But…I got nothing.
    You’ve articulated exactly how I have felt recently in a way that I never could and I’m tentatively offering the fact that I’ve felt the same as some kind of token gesture of comfort. It helps me sometimes, to know I’m not the only one…
    You can do this. You CAN.
    Stay safe x

  9. This is so sad. I don’t know what to say except that I’m thinking of you. Sending you big hugs. xx

  10. big love to you mama. xxxxx

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