The Balance

I’m struggling, really struggling. I’m going to roll out the cliches, but I’m in this whirlpool, spiralling down, surrounded by shit. Eventually the plug will be pulled and I’ll drop out the bottom.

Many of the things I’m struggling with are pretty basic. Running a home, looking after a child, working part time. All challenging, but manageable for most.

Then there are the petty things. The pathetic tasks that I’m almost embarrassed to admit I can’t cope with. Remembering to sort prescriptions for my medication. Ordering the food shop online. Going to the post office. Driving. Opening post. Using the phone. My tax return and child tax credits paperwork was a minefield of anxiety. Every day it wasn’t done I was worrying about it, yet I had no energy to do it. I procrastinate my arse off to avoid facing up to the things that need to be done.

 

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The reasons I struggle with all these things? Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Bipolar Affective Disorder Type 2. I cannot live with these things and function day to day.

Something’s got to give. I need to make a list of all the things that stress me out, then decide how I can eliminate some of those worries. The parenting can’t go, obviously. Kinda stuck with that one on my own. Some of the small crap can be better organised.

But work? Claiming benefits? It’d be a whole new world. The media is full of stories of unfair cases, complicated processes. If I can’t go anywhere new on my own or talk on the phone, how do I even make a claim? Then the stigma. Yet another person ‘pretending to be mental to sit on her arse all day’. Daily Mail fodder. And then, that’s another thing added to the whirlpool. I’m drowning.

 

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Posted on July 6, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I am so sorry. You are going through a hellacious time.

    As a new follower of yours, I don’t know if you have a trusted relative or friend to help you out. I hope with all my heart that you do!!!

    It’s hard enough being a parent without bipolar 2 & G.A.D. But to take care of a child *and* suffer with that crap (I have bipolar one & G.A.D. …well, that is beyond messed up!

    I keep putting off important “no brainer” projects too like applying for my super-costly medication assistance and filling out tedious paperwork for my children’s medical benefits. The mental fatigue overtakes me when I even look at the pages I have sitting next to my laptop day in, day out to remind me to do it, dammit, do it!!!! I find myself doing everything but the most important stuff.

    Your blog post makes me feel less alone because I too have problems doing the petty things, some of which are the same onerous tasks you list.

    We are both moms doing the best we can given some pretty lousy circumstances. Hang in there – I wish I had better advice for you! Or a magic wand! 😉 (((hugs)))

  2. Have you ever looked into getting a pharmacy to take the burden of repeat prescriptions for you?
    I too struggle with all the shit that HAS to be done. I put things off and dread them irrationally.
    I decided to get a pharmacy service to do the work. All I do is call them and tell them what I need for either myself or my son or both. They do the rest and even deliver. So good to free up that little bit of brain space. Precious precious brain space xxx

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