Sometimes

Sometimes it’s worth it. Sometimes all the bullshit and the trauma and the crazy simply fades away and I’m left with this wonderful girl. Just me and her, on a journey together.

Sometimes we just sit, the two of us, reading or watching a film and for those few moments, I forget. I forget that there’s a monster inside of me. He’s quiet for a while, and I can just…live.

Sometimes Moo and I go on adventures. I’ll be brave and we’ll go walking or I’ll get the paints out and I don’t care if she covers herself from head to toe. Sometimes I can just ‘let go’, not care, even enjoy the chaos.

Sometimes the thought of parenting makes me feel excited. I feel like I did before she was born, before I was pregnant. I have ideas, hopes, projects for us. Even folding her clothes can make me happy.

Sometimes I’m just…me. Like right now, while I’m typing this. I can hear her playing with her doll house, the conversations between the sylvanian figures, her chatter. I can hear her feet pattering about. She’s giggling, lost in her world of imagination. It fills me with nostalgia, I once experienced the same, with that very doll house. Sometimes I can look back and feel warmth. Warmth that isn’t anger.

If this ‘sometimes’ could become ‘most of the time’, then I think I could do it. I think I’d be ok.

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Posted on June 30, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. I hope you have plenty more ‘sometimes’ moments…

  2. Very happy to read this

  3. Beautifully written. I connect with this so much. I have two little girls, and I’ve thought the same thoughts that you describe so well here.

    Here’s hoping that we both keep the “monster” at bay so we can be present with our little ones and (most importantly) enjoy them and show them the best part of us.

  4. You WILL be OK mama: Baby step by baby step the sometimes moments DO become most of the times

  5. I’m glad that you have these “sometimes” moments. They can serve as reminders to you – and me! – that the moments of connectedness can exist. We just have to keep plugging away at the monster, one moment at a time. Hang in there.

    • I know – I can’t imagine not having these moments. Utter despair. They’re just hard to remind myself of when I’m feeling particularly low.

      Thank you for reading 🙂

  1. Pingback: Mummy Bear’s Shout Out 14 | mummybearsblog

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