Relentless

It’s said (by the mental health team I deal with, anyway) that the longer you leave a period of depression before you seek help, the longer it takes to recover. If that’s the case then I must have been ejected from the womb already crippled with mental health issues.

This bout of depression does not want to shift. I’m suffocating under it. Medication is increased, I have a good couple of weeks, and then I’m right back down to my knees. How a person is supposed to continually meander their way through life, feeling like this indefinitely, is astonishing to me.

The generalised anxiety disorder isn’t very compatible with a depressive episode. When will it end? When will I start to get better? Is that my low mood or just a bad day? Endless over analysing and 1am bedtimes. Exhausting.

Choosing this existence versus opting out is difficult. I fear that one day I’ll snap, and that’ll be it. What’s worse is that this thought isn’t all that frightening. It’s something of a comfort. A back up plan. And yes, I know how fucked up that is.

I’ll just hang around, adjusting my medication, waiting on cognitive behavioural therapy, in the hope that it’ll miraculously save me from myself. All prayers, positive vibes, thoughts etc etc are very much welcomed in the meantime.

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Posted on June 6, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. Boy do I feel you on this one. There is currently no treatment that can pop me out of depression when I have it, which means being at the mercy of time. Of all the types of suicidal thoughts I have, the ones you describe hold the most weight for me.

    Realistically, it is a tiring, frustrating, desolate mess that we deal with. I guess I was hoping that just letting you know that I feel it too might be of the slightest bit of comfort. The depression will end, but in the meantime finding a sliver of comfort or joy might be the thing that eeks us through. Good luck, I hope you can find it!

  2. Praying for you – keep fighting. I know you want to give up but don’t. You WILL get better.

  3. Boy do I understand how you’re feeling. Keep your head up (I know how hard it is). And no matter what your brain is telling you. It will get better. Sending healing and peaceful vibes your way.

  4. Thinking of you, and really hope you find something to break the vicious circle – whether that’s CBT or otherwise… Depression is a b*tch, that’s for sure.

    (((Hugs)))
    X

  5. I can’t offer any advice or reassurance, but it would like to say that I hope you find someway out. I can’t begin to imagine how upsetting & stressful it must be for you. Sending massive hugs and prayers your way x

  6. I can relate so well to what you describe, unfortunately (for both of us!). I have often thought that the worst part is the not knowing – the worry and anxiety over what the next week, next day, next hour will feel like. The cycling up and down, and all of the anxiety tied up in that, is absolutely exhausting. I’m so sorry that you’re going through it.

    I have temporarily (I’m sure) stabilized on meds after literally years of tweaking, substituting, putting everything in a blender. I really hope that you’re able to get to that point soon. It sounds ridiculous but the one thing that helps me with all of the uncertainty over meds is just to worry about how I feel today. Just today. I force myself not to look long-term – to take away the pressure that I put on myself to analyze everything and make grand conclusions about my meds and the progression of my depression. Just today.

    • Thank you so much for your comment, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this. Although, like you say, it’s sad that others are suffering too.

      I’m pleased you’re finally feeling more stable. I shall do my best to live in the moment and not worry what tomorrow brings. Easier said than done! 😉

      • I know all too well about that. Right now I’m feeling stable on meds but I know it can’t last forever. That causes a lot of anxiety if I think about it too hard, so I need the “one moment at a time” approach at this end, too. Somehow I think there might be something to this whole mindfulness thing… 🙂

  7. Just wanted to say that I’m thinking about you.

    I have periods of intense anxiety and have found that having kids has made it both easier an harder. Slightly easier because I’m busier and harder because my anxiety now centers on something happening to them.

    Hope that you’re able to start CBT soon, and that there are more smiley faces than down faces in your future.

  8. Sending you oodles of positive vibes x

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