I Choose Recovery


A little update about my mental health progress for those following my journey…

I had a long talk with my CPN today (who is so wonderful that I’m almost embarrassed to tell her how ill I am) and it looks like my medication may increase when I visit the GP on Monday, from 20mg of Citalopram to either 30 or 40mg.

We discussed my ‘manic’ episodes, which she thinks may be being caused by me taking the Citalopram too late in the day. I often forget in the mornings so take it late in the afternoon, and sometimes before bed with the Mirtazapine. I’m going to order one of those fabulously chic pill organisers in the hopes that it’ll keep me on track, meds wise.

My referral for Talking Therapies won’t go through until I’m feeling more stable. I’m due to discuss my birth notes further with the psychiatric doctor in early May, although if I don’t find this helpful then I can be referred elsewhere. My wellness plan is almost complete, so that family, friends and professionals know the warning signs of me becoming ill and can support me best.

My CPN was concerned about my diet. I’m not really eating much and am developing anxieties around eating full meals. She also suggested some exercise might be helpful. I know that there are lots of things I need to do to help myself, but it’s often so exhausting just doing the day to day things that it doesn’t leave much mental or physical energy for anything else. I’m hoping the increase in meds might give me the strength to fight a bit harder.

I’ve been doing little things to help myself. Charting my moods so I can see improvement, listening to music, lighting candles and incense and reading a book to try to relax. I also need to make sure I don’t commit to too much when I’m feeling a little ‘high’ and then struggle to cope in fulfilling it all.

Yesterday I was frightened and agitated, but today I feel more focused on recovery. The way I see it, there are three options. The first is to stay as I am, wallowing in misery, vacantly parenting. The second is to kill myself, and not be here at all. The third is to do whatever it takes to beat this. I need to choose the third path, not for me, but for my Moo.



Posted on April 10, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. Never give up! I like your attitude!

  2. I don’t even know what to say, other than I feel ya. I mean I seriously feel like I just read something I could have written myself. Kind of want to cry right now. thinking that there is even one person out there who is pretty much right where I am is overwhelming.

  3. Thank you for sharing and Well done on focusing on the road to recovery. You will get there and you will have a lot of support along the way. Small suggestion: to help you remember to take the citalopram, have you thought about putting a reminder on your phone? Incorporating it into your morning routine is also a great way to remember it (like if you have a cup of tea in the morning, brush your teeth, etc, etc, put the tabs next to whatever it is you do every morning). I’m terrible at remembering to take my tabs and this is the only way I can do it. They’re by my toothbrush so I pop them out then take them with my tea x x x x

  4. As you’re charting are you seeing and taking stock of your progress?

  5. I feel like we are going through similar stuff… Thank you for writing this. I’ve been feeling so alone. This helps.

  6. You, are an inspiration and very strong woman. Use us, twitter and let us support you when or if you need it. It’s a community of helpful
    Folk that care about you xx

  7. Can I join your cheerleading squad? You can do it. I’ve always found it strange that happiness has to be worked at, and I’m working bloody hard for mine. X

  8. Hey, I’m so so pleased to read this, and the focus on recovery you have… I really hope the GP is being as supportive as the CPN… You will get there, I promise!! Massive hugs, keep writing your journey – one day you will read through your blog and marvel at how strong you were. X

  9. Hi. Don’t feel bad about taking medication, if it makes you feel better it’s worth it 🙂 Feeling extremely low is probably more harmful for you than taking medication. Please check out this link on Tapping – a method used for treating anxiety, depression and phobias – which you can do at home. Even if it’s just placebo, it’s still great if it gives you hope and makes you feel better. xxx

    P.S. It would make me happy to know that is can make you feel a bit better 🙂

  10. thesoupdragonsays

    I have read your post with interest, as someone who has lost two friends to mental health I am pleased you have chosen the third path. You might like to read this post that I wrote shortly after the loss of my second friend. Don’t feel that you have to, it might not be the right time. But it will tell how those of us feel who are left behind. I think you are brave to carry on and finding help is hard. But I wish you a good recovery. I know some days wont be good, but I hope you have the strength to carry on for your little ones sake.


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