Mentally Ill Or Shitty Mum?
I wonder how much of the way I feel is depression, the monster that takes over every rational thought, and how much of it is genuine feeling? Does my mental ill health make me wish I’d never had a child, or do I simply regret the decision? I have times of such frustration, feelings of entrapment, I’m suffocating. Followed by feelings of intense guilt. And then the seemingly obvious solution rears its head – suicide.
I can’t wait for Moo to go to school so that I can be alone. I enjoy the novelty moments of being a parent, the brief cuddles, the funny one liners of a typical two year old. But it soon wears thin and ultimately, I look forward to being away from her. She’s a great kid, a delight to be around at times, but I don’t want to look after her.
These thoughts are then followed by horrific shame and guilt. What kind of parent doesn’t want their own child? How can anyone not want to spend time with such a beautiful little girl? How can I look into her innocent blue eyes and feel this way? Don’t I know that there are women longing for a child like mine? Aren’t I grateful that she’s healthy? How will I ever explain this to her if she were to find out I felt this way?
Are these the thoughts of someone with mental health issues? Or are these my genuine feelings about being a mother? How can I differentiate? If this is the depression, post natal or otherwise, then there’s hope. It’s treatable. I can change my medication and have therapy and try to alter my mind set. But if this is how I feel… What the fuck do I do? Answers on a post card, please.
Posted on February 23, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged anxiety, depression, mental health, motherhood, parenting, PND, postnatal depression, postpartum depression, PPD. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.