Ow, The Guilt

It hurts so deeply.

I talk to various people on the Internet, on my blog, on twitter, in forums, people from all walks of life. Following their journeys and reading their stories breaks my heart. Some desperately long for a child to hold, many have suffered devastating losses. Experiences that I cannot even begin to comprehend. Women that have had to raise families alone, been raped and beaten, held their babies as they slipped away.

And here I am, wallowing. Putting myself through agony by dwelling on experiences that I didn’t get to have. I have been blessed with the precious gift of a healthy daughter, one that I’m dreading looking after. Instead of savouring every moment being with her, I’m clock watching, counting the minutes until bed time so that I can hide away and not face life.

I know nothing of hardship. I need to be thankful that I can hold my daughter tight, kiss her feet and sniff her hair at leisure. I just wish I could hang on to that when the depression monster inside of me is clawing it away. How could I possibly think such dark things about my wonderful child? Some days I struggle to even look at her. I’m so undeserving of her existence.

I can only apologise. To the mothers that long for a baby, to have their child here with them. And to Moo, for not being the parent that you want and need.

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Posted on February 3, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I hope, at some point, you are able to look back and realize how hard you are being on yourself. Not only hard, but harsh. Judgemental. Unforgiving. I know it’s the depression talking. Been there. But if I could have you realize one thing, it would be that you are a caring, loving mom, and that Moo is just as lucky to have you as you are to have her. Being a mom doesn’t mean life is rainbows and unicorns. It’s also tiresome and draining and boring sometimes (later, be happy for the boring. You have to trust me on that one). Being a parent is HARD. Being a depressed parent is almost unimaginably hard. But you WILL feel better, you WILL get thru this, and you WILL keep moving forward. And you WILL enjoy Moo, love Moo, find joy in Moo just being Moo, and you just being you.

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