Loopy Update

Just a little update on the ‘I’ve gone loopy’ phase I’m currently experiencing, for anyone that’s following my journey. If you are, then thank you. I’ve read every single one of the messages and there have been fabulous offers of support.

I’ve been taking the higher dose of 20mg of Citalopram for 16 days. I’ve been feeling a little better since Tuesday afternoon, but it may be that I’ve kept myself so busy that I haven’t had time to perfect a plan of suicide. It’s a fine line between feeling better so you want to do things and doing so much that you’re masking that you’re ill.

I haven’t needed to take any diazepam so far. This afternoon is the first time I’ve been alone since Saturday and Moo is asleep right now. It’s approaching the time of day when things get tough and I’m mentally begging for my husband to come home.

I can still hear my ‘cave’ calling to me. The emotionally luxurious space between the mattress and the duvet. The place where my only concern is the chocolate growing back in Candy Crush. It makes me feel totally lazy, but it’s more than that. It’s a *need* to be there, I can physically feel that I need to lie down in the quiet zone. Anything that stops me doing so is the enemy and I greet it with furious rage.

I’m too anxious to drive, or talk on the phone. My husband spoke to the Talking Therapies service who have referred me elsewhere as they can’t offer what they feel I need. I’m just waiting on an appointment. I just wish there’d been something available to me three weeks ago, when I was wondering how long it would take me to die if I just stopped eating.

I just need to get through a few more days. If I don’t feel any better then I can increase my medication. One hour at a time is all I can do.


Posted on January 30, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. I’m reading and sending you strength. I have a 14 month old DD and a two week old DD. couldn’t establish breast feeding with Dzs so exclusively expressed til he was 22 weeks. Same thing with DD so just started the journey again. You have been heroic with the expressing for your little Moo. Am thinking of you and hoping that you are getting the support you deserve

    • Thank you.

      You’re also wonderful, I don’t think I could pump and manage a toddler!

      • If you ever decide to, I can recommend a playpen, cbeebies and toys you just get out specially for expressing time!

        Am finding your blog great – so good to have a UK blogger addressing expressing. I got no support from the hospital/midwives so if it wasn’t for my fantastic husband basically researching what we needed to do as I was shell shocked, my son would have been formula fed. Very proud that the only formula he got was in the SCBU but that’s no thanks to the medical professionals

      • I feel just the same. Without parenting forums I’d have never known that pumping can be a long term option.

  2. Linzie O'Keefe

    It doesn’t seem enough, but I wanted to send you love and strength. Lots of it x

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