Fear

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This image popped up on my Facebook news feed, and my immediate thought? ‘I’d have another baby’. I didn’t hesitate, I didn’t think it through. It came to me at once and I typed it in response.

Fear is a powerful thing. An all consuming, life altering thing. It stops you dreaming, striving, living.

My dream of more than one child is gone. Stripped away and buried by the fear of a similar birth experience, further breastfeeding struggles and recurring post natal depression. The fear that I might bleed to death, or have to formula feed, or feel suicidal, stops me from giving Moo a sibling.

At times I long to be pregnant, to perhaps finally get the birth experience I wanted, to successfully breastfeed. But the fear that it might not go that way, or that I may not be able to mentally cope with two children, is enough to frighten me off. Why rock the (already precariously swaying) boat?

Fear can drastically alter the path you thought you might find yourself on. What’s holding you back?

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Posted on January 3, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Same! If I knew (in a h just hindsight way) that I wouldn’t have AND or PND or a miscarriage I would be saying the same.

    All 3 have put me off and stolen the enjoyment which I imagine a family should have when pregnant/with a new born.

    I’m terrified of my little girl being old enough to remember me as the monster I was with her and knowing her friends’ mummies are different. Xxx

  2. Pretty much ditto. Scared of being in and out of hospital having bp monitered, not at home where I should/need to be. Scared of having preeclampsia again. Petrified of having hellp syndrome again. Anxious that PND would swallow me up in the rare moments I might have a check to take stock and breathe…

  3. Hi, I know this comment is very late, but I only stumbled on your blog when I was trying to make some sense of my ‘pumping’ experience.

    Don’t lose hope of having another child. Keep it as a little dream, put away in a special box and hidden in a safe place. In a few years you might feel so differently.

    I had a traumatic birth with my son, failed to have the natural birth that I had planned, failed to breast feed him and failed during the early days of motherhood. It took me 18 months of struggling before I asked for help and another six months before I felt better. Then suddenly, it clicked into place. We started enjoying each other’s company, I looked forward to sharing new experiences with him, we had fun.

    I never wanted to have a only child, so, with a lot of trepidation, we tried for baby number 2. It wasn’t easy, my heart broke several times along the way, but finally I was safely pregnant with our second baby. We had hospital consultations about my birth plan and I opted for an elective section. The fear of having another failed natural birth and post- natal depression was too great.

    Then my waters broke at 31 weeks. He was born naturally, with just gas and air (and a lot of spectators) in 4 hours. Before he was whisked off to special care they showed me his face, he looked me in the eye and my heart melted.

    I honestly think he was born to save our family and put right all the things that went wrong the first time. He’s brought us all so much joy. I didn’t exclusively breast feed him, he was tube fed while I pumped. My milk supply was low so I used domperidone. I gave him as much breast milk as I could for 3 months then I switched to formula. None of this mattered, because to me, all that mattered was that he’d made it, he was safe, loved and happy.

    Please don’t give up hope of having another baby. One day it might just happen, and not in the way you expect it.

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