The Year Of Healing

2014 will be my year of healing. I need to get better. Only I can help myself get better. I need to reach out for support, embrace suggestions and offers of help.

In an ideal world, I’d live drug free. The Domperidone is here as long as I need to make milk for Moo. But I’d love to live without antidepressants. Or rather, I’d love to live without a need for them.

A huge part of my depression is my grief for the breastfeeding relationship that I don’t have with Moo. I’ve blogged about it several times so I won’t go into it all again here (I even bore myself with it). I need to let it go and move on.

I’m also going to look into having a birth debrief. A chance to look through my notes, ask some questions and perhaps quiet my haunted mind. The process won’t be easy, I’m already having to fight for it, and I’m sure reading my birth notes will be painful. But sometimes things have got to get worse before they can get better.

The two things that haunt me most are the traumatic birth experience and the breastfeeding difficulties. I’m doing what I can with the breastfeeding thing. I’m pumping, I’m supporting others. It still hurts, but I feel I’ve taken active steps to get better. It’s time to do the same with Moos birth. I need questions answered and I need clarity.

I’d love to hear from mothers who have made it out the other side of post natal depression. What was it that worked for you? What message would you send to mamas struggling today?


Posted on December 30, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Although thankfully extremely mild (I can spot the signs due to ‘normal’ depression years ago and act early), I found non-judgemental facebook groups unbelievably supportive. Also, a good, much-needed wallow leading up the birthday. Tears leasing up to birthday. Lots of but getting less year 4 years later. Letting myself get angry inside when friends’ pregnancies are announced. Venting said anger in those non-judgemental Facebook groups… Finally and the most effective one for me, writing a book to tell my/our story to raise awareness and for charity. In short, venting and talking has helped heal me…

  2. I completely relate to this post. I suffered with PND with both my boys and i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Today, I’ve been discharged from the mental health unit, which is a huge step as I thought I would never feel ‘normal’. Mine was triggered by an unsuccessful feeding experience which left me feeling like a failure, and as a result, incredibly hard on myself and my worth as a mother. I thought that I just wasn’t a baby person, I too would have given my son up for adoption if I thought I could do it without being judged. What helped me was a creative writing therapy group with other sufferers and the combination of writing things down and being able to share experiences in a safe environment with people who understood was invaluable. It’s good to feel like you are not on your own. I’m now following your posts with interest as I wish I had found this when I was at my lowest…that complete feeling of loneliness with the thoughts going round and round your head and wanting to escape them, just for a while…it’s exhausting. I hope you find your peace soon and please know that you are doing brilliantly – you are the best mother your children could hope for – because you are theirs.

    • Thank you so much for this comment. Reaching out to other mothers suffering in the same way is really helping me. Mental ill health can be so lonely.

      I’m pleased to read that you’re well on your way to recovery. I hope I can say the same with time.

  1. Pingback: Jockey Kayla Stra Allegedly Banned From Breastfeeding At California Race Track | Netflowers – HOME

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