Was This All A Bad Idea?
The blog, the Twitter account, the Facebook page? Am I just destroying myself by doing all of this? Maybe even the peer supporting is a mistake? I’m really hurting.
I’ve immersed myself in breastfeeding. I’ve become passionate about it unwillingly, I was built with the biological desire to breastfeed and it’s just good common sense to be in awe of the powers of breast milk. But I willingly surround myself with breastfeeding culture – images, information, articles. I do the same with beautiful, natural births. I follow Facebook pages and blogs that celebrate the successes of these things. The two things I didn’t have, the things that I get upset about on a daily basis.
Why do I do it? Would I feel any better about them if I distanced myself? Maybe the pain of my failures would have been numbed somewhat by now if I’d just left well alone. How can you get over something if you remind yourself of it day after day? Is it more healing to try to forget, or to analyse, dissect and process and then move on?
I suddenly feel like I want to delete my page and my blog. Give up my peer supporter role, leave all the online groups I’m a part of, ‘unlike’ all the Facebook pages. Cut as much of it out of my life as possible. It’s my go-to defence mechanism. But another part of me wants to see it through. Maybe one day I will feel better about it all, I’ll have some understanding, some acceptance. Maybe even closure. I just don’t know how to get there, and in the meantime, the wonderful birth stories and breastfeeding photos are cutting me to shreds.