I’ve been reminded of a lot old memories today. Looking through photographs with my grandparents, many of them photos I’ve never seen. Moo looking tiny, jaundiced and losing weight in some of the pics. My sisters wedding that I can barely remember, a vague Christmas… It’s so sad. I missed so much whilst I was really mentally ill.
I also had a roast dinner at my mums today, it was delicious. But once I felt full, my anxiety crept in, I desperately wanted to leave the table. I remembered all the dinner times I spent at my mums after Moo was born, when I was incapable of cooking myself. Sitting at the dining table, having panic attacks about having to look after her, feeling totally overwhelmed and not wanting to live. I used to feel so isolated and helpless.
At least now I know that other mothers have felt the same, and that it doesn’t last. The anxiety passes much more quickly now, and I can think of positive events coming up in the future. It doesn’t seem hopeless any more, I don’t have to search for a way out. I just have to hope for a better tomorrow.