Searching For Closure
My birth experience is haunting me tonight. It often does. Everything out of focus, gaps in my memory, the bright light, rushing people, the pressure on my stomach, begging for my life to be saved. My husband describes it as watching something horrible from a film, but its happening right there in front of you.
I wish I had it all on tape so I could watch it back. I don’t even have my birth notes – there was no one there to photocopy them on a Saturday. I’m going to look into getting hold of a copy. I’ll compile a list of questions and ask for a debrief. I just need to work out the logistics of it.
My husband doesn’t want to be there. He’s dealt with it, cried about the experience, moved on in his own way. He can deal with an event, put the memories in a box and leave them there. I can’t. I wish with all my heart that I could but my mind works so very differently to his. I dwell and question and analyse. He is the calm in my storm.
I’d love to hear from people that have talked through their traumatic birth with a health care professional. How does the procedure work? Did it reopen old wounds? Was it the closure you needed? Please get in touch with any experiences you may have.
Big love to any other mamas feeling sadness tonight.