Wanting To Die
It’s not a nice feeling. Have you ever had a panic attack? That state where all your senses are heightened, your heart races, your limbs tingle, your mouth is dry and filled with your own beating heart? It’s like that. You want to cut your own skin off, fall asleep and never wake up.
I’ve felt like this quite a bit. I’ve wished away my existence. It’s just seemed too difficult. Oblivion seems like the best, or only, option. I’ve cried so hard I’ve just sat rocking back and forth, my heart beating a million times a minute. In the first days after Moo was born I suffered mentally like I never have before. Panic attack after panic attack, sobbing, anxiety, deep regret. I was planning how I could leave Moo and run away with my husband, my thoughts totally irrational. I could not envision being happy with my life as it was, I’d have to die.
After admitting to searching the house for pills to take (ibuprofen and canesten just doesn’t cut it) I was prescribed anti depressants. I struggled on for a few more weeks (in which time the breastfeeding failed) before the dose was doubled and I had a few sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy to help with the crippling anxiety. I finally began turning a corner. My pumping successes kept me going, and I was very well supported by my husband and family.
I look back now and realise how really crazy I was. The thought of leaving Moo without a mother breaks my heart. I’m not out of the woods, I still have periods of anxiety and had a panic attack last week (after posting pictures of my boobs on the Internet). I also have days of incredibly deep sadness.
The point in all this random rambling (and perhaps over sharing) is that it can get better. Please don’t suffer alone if you’re feeling like this. There will be a better day, hang in there, the sun will rise. Big love.