Pregnancy Sadness

I’m surrounded by pregnancy. Either mothers due any minute or couples trying for second babies. Beautiful bumps and talk of natural labours. Knowing that hearing that others are finally pregnant will fill me with joy for them, but also crush me. It’ll never be me again.

My husband and I never wanted just the one child. We always wanted siblings that would play together. I imagined a huge brood, piles of washing, shoes all lined up in the hallway, bunk beds. I still have the piles of washing (I have somewhat of an Ebay addiction), but I’ll have to pass on the other things. We’ve decided we can’t do it again. Not the traumatic labour, the post natal depression, the breastfeeding issues. My husband has almost found this more difficult that I have. It was him that told me that he didn’t want to have any more children. My heart aches for more at times, for the dream that I’ve had since I was small. But then my head remembers. And I know I can’t do it again.

I’m always met with comments of ‘the chance of hemorrhage is so small’, ‘you’ll know more about breast feeding next time around’ and ‘the health care professionals will be better prepared for depression, you’ll know what to look for and get help sooner’. I know that these things are true. Serious post partum hemorrhage is rare, although my chances are increased now that I’ve already had one. I *do* know lots more about breast feeding. But I thought i knew enough the first time around, then the haze of just giving birth kicked in, and bossy nurses seemed to know best, and the tongue tie…. I know how it could so easily go wrong. I could have anti depressants waiting, my GP on speed dial. But there’s nothing that can stop it happening to begin with. The symptoms were almost immediate last time. I don’t want to feel that way for even a moment.

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I feel very sorry for myself. I’ll never carry a baby again. Never feel the kicks, dress a bump, hang tiny little babygrows on the line. I moaned while I was pregnant, about stiff fingers and fat ankles, about reflux and Gaviscon and my ginormous arse. I tried with all my heart to embrace it, to relish in the miracle growing inside of me, but it is bloody hard work, growing a life. Now I’m viewing it from the other side, with my rose tinted specs on, it seems like the worlds most beautiful journey once again. I’m devastated, I took it for granted. If I’d have known it’d be my only pregnancy I’d have done things differently. I’d have taken more photos, maybe had a 4D scan, painted my bump. I never even drew a silly face on it. I’m sad.

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Posted on September 2, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I am sorry that you are sad and that you WISH that you would have relished. BUT, if you had loved being pregnant the first time around, perhaps you would be even more devastated (if that’s even possible) to not get to do it again. Just some of my perspective, in case you were interested. 🙂 SENDING HUGS!

  2. Hi hun.
    I feel your pain. My ten month old is the baby I never thought I would have. When I was 17, I had a son. He was my world, my everything. When he was 4.5 months old, I attempted to smother him. I experienced a psychotic episode. Little did I know, I had been suffering from severe post natal depression. Nobody picked up on it. Not even my mother whom I lived with. I was always told how hard it was being a parent so I never thought anything was up. My mother walked in part way through and my son was helicoptered to hospital. He is 100% fine thankfully and now lives with his dad. Child services was involved andi had a big court case whete I was sentenced with attempted infanticide (a first ever for New Zealand). Child services (cyfs) told me I would never be allowed more kids and then I discovered that despite taking all the precautions, my fiancĂ© (aj) and I were pregnant. We were told by cyfs that aj would have to live with his parents for support and be a full time dad and I would get 3 one hour visits with them a week and live elsewhere. This was to continue til she was 15 and could “defend herself against me.” We chose to adopt her out as we wanted more for her. Cyfs told me to have my tubes tied because any more children would be removed from me at birth. We couldn’t find a doctor to do this as I was only 19 still so I had a mirena inserted. In October 2012, I had it removed and took myself off of my medication (venlafaxine) because I was experiencing MS type symptoms. Once again, despite precautions being taken, we fell pregnant in November. We rang a lawyer before I was even 12 weeks in to start planning how we were going to fight to keep this baby. We worked with cyfs to formulate a plan where I would be allowed to keep my son and gradually move on to a normal life. We now live with my husbands parents, my son sleeps in their room, I am supervised with him at all times and I am watched when I breastfeed him. I see Mental Health every week and have a psychologist appointment every month. I have not had PND this time and do not believe that it will return. We are undecidedas to whether we will choose to have another. My uterus aches at the thought of being empty for the rest of my life and I hate imagining it getting all dusty and cobwebby from unuse (overactive imagination) but being watched at every moment has been a struggle in itself. But, if we do not have another, I am blessed. My youngest son is my world. He will be loved, hugged, cried on, laughed with, snuggled with and spoilt. If you have the ability to rally support around you I can guarantee things will be different. I know. I have lived it. I am a survivor of PND.

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