Birth Questions

I have so many lingering questions about Moo’s birth. In fact, they’re much more than lingering, they’re all consuming at times. They eat away at me, scarring my memories. I wanted things to be so different. I wanted the experience to be empowering, moving, I wanted it to touch my soul.

When I think of the time I spent labouring at home, I feel those things. I was strong, in control and focused. I stayed at home as long as I felt comfortable. The pain was intense and I paced the upstairs of the house. I struggled in the car, with no idea how close to the pushing stage I was.

I arrived at the hospital and gave my urine sample. From there it goes down hill, fast.

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I want to know why I had to be monitored constantly? Why did no one read my birth plan? Why could I only push for two hours? Why wasn’t I encouraged to stay mobile and let gravity help? What was in the drips? Why was I put in stirrups, adopting the most ridiculous position to give birth in?

Was Moo in danger at any time? Why did I tear so severely, even after an episiotomy? Why was I injected with that placenta delivery stuff when I’d requested not to be? Why did I hemorrhage? Why was my husband left on his own with Moo? How long was I in theatre? Was I put under because if the tearing or the blood loss? Why could I hear you arguing about how to treat me?

 

I feel so let down. I’ll most likely never know the answers to these questions or the many others I have, the biggest one being ‘why me?’

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Posted on August 29, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. My heart goes out to you, Mama.

  2. I am right there with you… I have so many unanswered questions. i am angry, I am sad, I feel my body let me down at the most important time in my life. I hated my birth for my son and I think about it still now 7 months after and cry. I can’t let go of the pain in my heart.

    WHY did the doctor tell my husband that he can go home “She will not be in active labor until 12 – 24 hours later, you might as well go home and get some sleep.” said the dumb ass doctor.
    I was all alone have a emergency c-section, I try so hard to concentrate on the good part…my son but this “birthing demon” is still with me I hope it will leave me alone before I deside to have my next baby.

    thank you for listening….I am new to your page and i enjoy you posts

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