Moo Turns Two
As I walked up the stairs tonight, my nostrils were filled with a familiar smell and a million memories washed over me. A tiny Moo, warm and comfy in a baby grow, clenched fists with that odd fluff that gathers in the creases, milk and sweat and skin. Ever so soft newborn hair, naturally pointed into a Mohawk. The smoothest fleshy pink feet. Little frogs legs curled up towards her body. I do have memories of that time. Yes, lots of them fill me with sadness. But that sweet sweet baby smell, that’s a lovely one I’ll treasure for always.
Moo is two tomorrow. I’m still up, writing her card and finishing the cover for her baby’s bed. She’s sleeping soundly, completely oblivious to any hurt in my heart. I’m sad that the only baby I’ll ever have is growing so fast. I’d like a rewind button, to undo and change so many things. The knowledge I’ve gained about breastfeeding came too late. Although I’d hate to relive the post natal depression in its early days, and I’m sure there’s little I could do to change that. I’d settle for a pause button. I love Moo just as she is. Grown enough to call my name and run to me and sing Baa Baa Black Sheep. But young enough that she still loves her bedtime milkies and a cuddle with Mummy. Every single moment is so precious, so fleeting. I just wish I’d been in a better place for the first year, mentally able to live in the moment and savour every second.
I’m sure that this next year will bring us more challenges. I’ll continue to be tested daily, I know I’ll always struggle with anxiety and depression, my temper short and my emotions running high. I look forward to our future adventures. Moo will continue to learn and develop, becoming even more her own person, her character building. She might learn the whole alphabet, pedal a trike or sleep in a ‘big bed’. There’ll be tears and ‘baddies’ on knees and laughing until we pee ourselves. I need to let go of the things that should have happened, would have happened, could have happened and focus on the things that will happen, might happen, I can make happen.
Im doing the best that I can and I love you with all my heart Moo, happy birthday.