A Touch Of Crazy
I feel odd today. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but I know that it’s a little bit of crazy creeping in. It seeps into my veins like poison, touching everything I do, tainting every moment.
It should have been a purely beautiful day. Sunshine, friends, a picnic at the park. But there’s a constant niggle, an anxious feeling deep in my gut. Not quite enough to be vocal about it with those around me, but enough that it prevents me enjoying my day to its fullest.
It’s days like today that make me wonder how I’ll ever live without antidepressants. How can I possibly function properly without them? Perhaps the minuscule dose of 10mg every other day that I’m currently taking is just a placebo? Perhaps *this* is way life is like without. If that’s the case then this isn’t so bad. Glass half full.
But if the glass is half empty, and my days were to get worse without the low dosage, then I’d be miserable. Constantly nervous, that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. A million thoughts all at once, most negative. Isolating myself, being blunt and snappy with those around me.
I often wish there was an off switch. Or perhaps a dial to turn my brain down. One thought at once would be nice. Is life not challenging enough? With being a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, a colleague. Thinking about work, running the home, pumping. Just one thought at a time would be nice. Not a fleeting thought, but one lingering one, hanging around long enough to be processed and dealt with and then tucked away again.
I can totally understand alcoholism on days like today. A little vodka, just to take the edge off. Why not.
But tomorrow is a new day. It waits patiently, unopened and unexplored. I’m praying I wake with a peaceful mind, ready for any challenge. May sleep dissolve my bad mood.